I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
