He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize