You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
