There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
