Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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