i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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