About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Randomize
