So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
