My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
