i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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