I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
