I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
