just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
