You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize