ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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