Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
