if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize