He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
