One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
