I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
