She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
