i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
