I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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