She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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