Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
