today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
