I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
