She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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