You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
