Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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