I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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