I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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