Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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