best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize