My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
