He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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