We're like a lot better than the average bears
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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