Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
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