were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
