We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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