I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
