i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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