I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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