Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
