I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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