look no pants
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
