Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize