Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
