I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
