my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We left the knife in your bed.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
