At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
