when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
COCAINE IS GR8
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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