Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
