So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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