first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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