So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
