tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
