If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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