he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
And then he peed in my hair
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