I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
