I wish they made helmets for livers.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
