also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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